Archive | December, 2011

Circle of safety

30 Dec

A circle of safety, it’s important to me, and my little creature ideas.  Tiny little furry creatures that need protection.  A line in the snow.

Actually not little furry creatures, because they’d be just FINE in the snow.  What I have is a collection of tropical birds and fish, where if I let them out of their cages and bowls here, they would most certainly die. 

So I’m walking in my boots, with my birds and fish, very much hoping that not too many of them die–working to get them in the house where they will be safe, they will be in their circle of safety.

Circle of safety–I also see light at night, where I can see and be seen, and be embraced or avoided by those who will.

I want this idea to be clearer and stronger, to have better lines.  Circle of safety, a space where people can be warm and safe for a little while–five minutes, ten minutes, 20 minutes, how long. 

HUH, Circle of safety–seems that I have to think about this concept more.

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Canoodling

28 Dec

Canoodling means making out on the sofa.

It also means dawdling with others, talking them up, giving them social blowjobs, to get ahead.

It means covering a piece of meat with tiny noodles and frying it.  A canoodled steak, or canoodled chicken. 

Aside

I was at a reun…

27 Dec

I was at a reunion of my senior class.  Jo was there with her new baby but nobody wanted to be there.  It was funny because we were all sitting there in a circle, more like a recovery group than a group of former friends. 

Huh former friends, I tried to get us to all go to the tiny corner bar/coffee shop/whatever that’s on the corner, but nobody was really biting.  It’s like everybody was just waiting for the meeting to end.  We watched Jo jump her baby up and down on her knee, made inane conversations, fidgeted like at church or the less fun of family reunions.

Nobody wanted to be the first to leave.  The first to break this up, because we knew that even with the magic gone, this would be the last time we would all be together.  Nobody was going to be that person.

And though I could hear the pleasant nothing, the coos at baby, underneath, underneath was a snarl, anger, rage, distraction, boredom.

And the red cafe/bar doesn’t even have a name, nobody is sure WHAT it is other than a few red tables in a red room with mopey waiters that occasionally bring you things, whether coffee or booze.  One wonders if this place is legal, though nothing illegal happens here.  Also the temperature is always too hot or too cold and indifferent to season as to which.  Also the owner is never around. 

Also a dog is always tied up to the bicycle rack, BUT NO BICYCLES.

In the sea

22 Dec

I was in the sea on a tiny raft–I had taken off my clothes but covered myself with a blanket.

I just let the raft float in the water and bob, laid there with my eyes closed.

I noticed that my cellphone was missing.

Earlier, I had been trapped in my life, getting calls from all sorts of people trying to set up a new deal. One of the guys was hitting on me I think, he was a farmer.

But now I am in the sea, and my phone is gone, and nobody, not one person, can find me. It is the most lovely thing in the world.

THat’s the thing, I don’t understand being so plugged in, to have people always contacting contacting contacting–are people that nervous? Are people that afraid of a quiet moment? Are they afraid to think?

I don’t know. I’m never sure about these things.

But I’m in the sea, my raft is purple–I can go here anytime I want, turn everybody else off and just be here.

LOVELY lovely.

The Mafia

15 Dec

This isn’t the real mafia, who are either defunct or dangerous.

This is the movie mafia.

I see their face, like playing cards, four men. In tan hats and trenchcoats, lines going down their faces. Only one is smiling, which makes them all seem a little more suspicious, menacing? One is older, one is young, but eyes noses and mouths are identical–the only difference is the color of the hair and eyes.

Same same same it’s all the same.

Cutting it off

14 Dec

Well I cut off my penis again.

Not in a demasculation way.
Not in a wanting to be a female way.
Not in a OMIGOD WHAT HAVE I DONE I MUST NEVER HAVE SPAWN I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON way.
Not in a cutting way.

For me, when I do this, it grows back, but it also resets the deck. Hmmm how do I explain this, it’s like taking a buggy computer and just completely wiping it and putting in new software.

It grows back slowly, first as a sort of red finger, and eventually it’s back to regular size. It looks much more painful than it is, actually the process is more itchy than painful.

Aside

I am feeling a …

13 Dec

I am feeling a little wierd today.  I am planning on starting my own business.

 

But it’s secret.   I’m not telling my friends, and I’m basically only referring to it broadly to my partner.  It’s like being gay before coming out of the closet, or being gay just AS you’re coming out of the closet, there’s some things I was just not comfortable talking about directly, and once things felt safer I did.

I know the reason I feel this way is because it’s something that matters to me and I don’t want to fuck it up.

 

I know I”m smart enough.  I know that I have enough personality.  I know that I’m good with money.  I just don’t know–

 

–a lot really.

But I’ll learn.