Circle of safety

A circle of safety, it’s important to me, and my little creature ideas.  Tiny little furry creatures that need protection.  A line in the snow.

Actually not little furry creatures, because they’d be just FINE in the snow.  What I have is a collection of tropical birds and fish, where if I let them out of their cages and bowls here, they would most certainly die. 

So I’m walking in my boots, with my birds and fish, very much hoping that not too many of them die–working to get them in the house where they will be safe, they will be in their circle of safety.

Circle of safety–I also see light at night, where I can see and be seen, and be embraced or avoided by those who will.

I want this idea to be clearer and stronger, to have better lines.  Circle of safety, a space where people can be warm and safe for a little while–five minutes, ten minutes, 20 minutes, how long. 

HUH, Circle of safety–seems that I have to think about this concept more.

Canoodling

Canoodling means making out on the sofa.

It also means dawdling with others, talking them up, giving them social blowjobs, to get ahead.

It means covering a piece of meat with tiny noodles and frying it.  A canoodled steak, or canoodled chicken. 

I was at a reun…

I was at a reunion of my senior class.  Jo was there with her new baby but nobody wanted to be there.  It was funny because we were all sitting there in a circle, more like a recovery group than a group of former friends. 

Huh former friends, I tried to get us to all go to the tiny corner bar/coffee shop/whatever that’s on the corner, but nobody was really biting.  It’s like everybody was just waiting for the meeting to end.  We watched Jo jump her baby up and down on her knee, made inane conversations, fidgeted like at church or the less fun of family reunions.

Nobody wanted to be the first to leave.  The first to break this up, because we knew that even with the magic gone, this would be the last time we would all be together.  Nobody was going to be that person.

And though I could hear the pleasant nothing, the coos at baby, underneath, underneath was a snarl, anger, rage, distraction, boredom.

And the red cafe/bar doesn’t even have a name, nobody is sure WHAT it is other than a few red tables in a red room with mopey waiters that occasionally bring you things, whether coffee or booze.  One wonders if this place is legal, though nothing illegal happens here.  Also the temperature is always too hot or too cold and indifferent to season as to which.  Also the owner is never around. 

Also a dog is always tied up to the bicycle rack, BUT NO BICYCLES.

In the sea

I was in the sea on a tiny raft–I had taken off my clothes but covered myself with a blanket.

I just let the raft float in the water and bob, laid there with my eyes closed.

I noticed that my cellphone was missing.

Earlier, I had been trapped in my life, getting calls from all sorts of people trying to set up a new deal. One of the guys was hitting on me I think, he was a farmer.

But now I am in the sea, and my phone is gone, and nobody, not one person, can find me. It is the most lovely thing in the world.

THat’s the thing, I don’t understand being so plugged in, to have people always contacting contacting contacting–are people that nervous? Are people that afraid of a quiet moment? Are they afraid to think?

I don’t know. I’m never sure about these things.

But I’m in the sea, my raft is purple–I can go here anytime I want, turn everybody else off and just be here.

LOVELY lovely.

The Mafia

This isn’t the real mafia, who are either defunct or dangerous.

This is the movie mafia.

I see their face, like playing cards, four men. In tan hats and trenchcoats, lines going down their faces. Only one is smiling, which makes them all seem a little more suspicious, menacing? One is older, one is young, but eyes noses and mouths are identical–the only difference is the color of the hair and eyes.

Same same same it’s all the same.

Cutting it off

Well I cut off my penis again.

Not in a demasculation way.
Not in a wanting to be a female way.
Not in a OMIGOD WHAT HAVE I DONE I MUST NEVER HAVE SPAWN I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON way.
Not in a cutting way.

For me, when I do this, it grows back, but it also resets the deck. Hmmm how do I explain this, it’s like taking a buggy computer and just completely wiping it and putting in new software.

It grows back slowly, first as a sort of red finger, and eventually it’s back to regular size. It looks much more painful than it is, actually the process is more itchy than painful.

I am feeling a …

I am feeling a little wierd today.  I am planning on starting my own business.

 

But it’s secret.   I’m not telling my friends, and I’m basically only referring to it broadly to my partner.  It’s like being gay before coming out of the closet, or being gay just AS you’re coming out of the closet, there’s some things I was just not comfortable talking about directly, and once things felt safer I did.

I know the reason I feel this way is because it’s something that matters to me and I don’t want to fuck it up.

 

I know I”m smart enough.  I know that I have enough personality.  I know that I’m good with money.  I just don’t know–

 

–a lot really.

But I’ll learn.

FROGS

We are frogs, we are frogs, we are miserable frogs! Just listening to the Sondheim musical really brings something out for me, about the bloodsucking status quo class that wants everything returned to the imaginary fifties, kiss Ronald Reagan’s photo every day, and wants to only every be around people like them.

They are dangerous. They will hurt things in the end with their selfishness, with their desire to stay in their little cold and slimy lilypads and having nothing touch them. They want to be away from others because they indirectly hurt people. That’s why our sweatshops are in china. That’s why we can’t set up a decent public transit system, so that each individual can have their selfish expensive gas guzzling air polluting cars. THey’re frogs.

FROGS! Sit and croak and complain, and make things dangerous for everybody by trying to make things safe for themselves. They also are extremely shortsighted, and will complain first if anybody else is being greedy (because they can use it to justify their own selfishness even more.)

Let’s give them a big CROOOAAAAAK.

Stuff

This is what is going on right now. I have very little going on, and I want to just say whatever’s on my mind. A story about milk maybe or the begininng aof the day when it could be raining, or just about anything.

Actually I’m feeling very blocked and frustrated. A little amazed at how easy some stuff has gotten. I always blamed myself for not doing things faster, but why?

LIFE IS NOW ANYHOW.

YOU COW.

HAHAHAHA

WAZOOO

Well it’s Friday and I’m at work thinking about mysterious management.  MM is what I call it.  It’s a means that managers give a sense of importance to an activity and A LOT of data, but not the “why.” 

Managers typically hate whys, because it brings up challenge, because the issue is complicated, because they don’t fully understand the why themselves–so they will give information, but not reasons, or a reason why this issue is important and not why this answer is the appropriate one to take.  So you end up getting to mysterious management.  Also managers will be very stingy with whether things are being donw because they chose it, or because upstairs pushed it on them, things like that.

MYSTERIOUS MANAGEMENT=a great way to have employees be aimless and not care.