Movie Review: Hellraiser

31 Oct



Here we go again on my jag of movies that my mother wouldn’t let me watch.  This one was VERY naughty because it had the word hell in it.   I wouldn’t have even bothered to ask for this one–if I did I’d have to call it Heckraiser, and watch there be some movie like that which would be very lame because instead of pinhead it would have clothespinhead or something like that.

This movie is much darker than Friday the 13 or Nightmare on Elm Street because unlike those films which are mostly chase movies, this movie wallows in suffering.  Again, I’m not going to bother with explaining the plot, but just a few things I noticed.

1.  For them being in England, not many of the characters seem particularly British.

2.  It’s really hard for me to know when something’s a flashback when this much soft screen is thrown around in general.  Honestly–half the film seems to be dipped in Vaseline.

3.  Clare (the stepmother) is a hoot.  She has these reaction shots to people when nothing particularly happened that looks like they just pooped on her foot.  This is before anything in particular happens.

4.  Ok, so I know this house is evil, but must it also be gross?  Cockroaches and rats–UGH.  I can stand wickedness in movies, but the cenobites could clean things up now and then.

5.  The dragon man, when he’s in human form eats a bunch of crickets.  Why does he do this?  I have no idea.   It’s not like dragons eat crickets in the wild–I think at this point of the movie he’s just bored and wanting to freak out the girl.

6.  Why don’t the cenobites just go in and get Frank since they know he’s there?  It’s not like they can’t leave that room (at the end they’re popping up all over the place).

7.   When Steve shows up and there’s all these monsters running around Kirsty’s house, he’s not very impressed.   He jumps in and helps, but there’s no OHMYGODWHATISTHATTHING….he’s too cool for school.

8.  Having an affair on top of the wedding dress you’re about to use?  Tacky.  Also I hope you have a good dry cleaner for that.

9.   I find it hard to believe that Julia is so attractive that she can pick up men and convince them to sleep with her in a rat infested attic.   Also that thing she does with Frank’s finger and her mouth is not remotely attractive.

10.  And the true horror is the fashions here!   I’d rather dress like pinhead than many of the humans here–Julia’s rainbow eyeliner and helmet hair, Kristy looks like she is wearing Stevie Nick’s castoffs, and some HORRIBLE cosby sweaters on everybody.

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