10 Mar

Everybody has their emotional gremlin.  Some people have tempers, and thank God I’m not one of them.  Others have trouble with anxiety and depression, and though I can sometimes be anxious and definitely have had depressive periods in my life, generally I’m up-beat and low-key.

My gremlin is shame.  It’s like a tripwire in me that once it goes off I just want to shrink in some corner and huddle.  I have many reasons for it that I won’t go on about here, but for sure, sometimes I feel like the smallest person in the world.

With shame I won’t look people in the eye.  With shame I won’t take risks.  With shame I strive to keep everything the same, and seek to remain as anonymous as possible.  It is a terrible feeling.

Sometimes people are purposely bringing up my shame; sometimes they’re not.  I find the shame comes up the most when I’m around people that seem to be very together.  I am not very together–each day I’m swinging from vine to vine like Tarzan, hoping that things work out.  Also I don’t necessarily WANT to be that together–it seems like a lot of work.  However when I’m talking to a together person I sometimes feel like the dowdiest drudgiest blandest creature in the whole world.

However, I know that shame has nothing to do with the world, it’s just a feeling and nothing more.  I will not let shame keep me from the life I deserve anymore.  It can be dreadfully hard to shake, but I can wait it out if need be.  

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